PHIL!
By: RP Momsen
A very funny science fiction adventure that will change the way you look at life, the universe and why we're all here.
Billions of years ago, our universe was born. Not really that terribly exciting for most life forms except of course yourselves… and, well, Phil. The poor bastard who’s had to watch over all you people the last billion or so years.
Well, finally after years of listening to all your griping, bitching and whining, always with some imaginary being getting all the credit, he’s finally had it!
Phil has decided to explain what the world is, why you’re here and how you can evolve finally into a species worth talking about at parties.
In this hilarious actual account, Phil takes two unwitting Physicists on the adventure of their lives, which isn’t saying much for a couple of physicists, and shows them what life, the universe and lovely little corner pubs really is all about. They’re transported to other dimensions to meet their better looking selves, get taken prisoner by an evil but very good looking race, fly through black holes and help the creation of a new planet all while their greatest challenge hangs in the balance, saving earth from the most evil, and best dressed, species the universe has ever seen.
Will they save earth? Has all the years of hard work Phil has done creating you beings be lost? Does any of this really matter?
EXCERPT:
Ping.
Ping.
“You gonna answer that?”
Delphinia slurred. Typically an attractive female colleague, except now she had
half a glass of Pan Universal Kumquat Juice down her front, and somehow an
equal amount sprayed randomly throughout her hair. We were all drunk—she was
winning.
“Just another idiotic human with
some whiny ‘I can’t do anything for myself’ question.” “Are they still making
you do that? Didn’t you create some god chat line for them to look up on their
own?” asked Braithwaight, a much larger and uglier version of myself who had
the unusual characteristic of having the largest nostrils in the universe. You
wouldn't know them as nostrils, of course, given that their size and look is of
one of your outhouses, massively uneven, bright orange and dripping with
something I'd rather not discuss.
“Ya, but they seem to be using it
mostly for porn and watching other humans or animals doing idiotic stuff, which
is even stranger when you realize that the average human does 4.8 stupid things
per week; you would think watching each other in real time would keep them
amused enough,” I replied. Braithwaight was correct, after all—a number of
years ago, I had instructed humans to create something called God Gab to answer
all their questions and, hopefully, quit bothering me. As usual, they
misunderstood, called it Google, and continued to harass me anyway.
“Slow... what dey say?” Delphinia
slurred, spitting Pan Universal Kumquat Juice over both of us, which as it
turned out was actually rather tasty; I decided to order one next despite it
being a bit of a girly drink.
“Dear Lord.” (Dear Phil, it
should have actually read.) Please give me strength in dealing with my two
kids; I’m always so tired, they stay awake for hours on end, I seem to be the
only one in the house able to nap, they eat all my food, hide my weed and are
even messier than my 3 ex husbands. I can’t keep doing it. What should I do?”
“Signed ‘lame-ass, stoned and
grumpy Mom.’ I added the last part.” I ordered my drink despite Braithwaighte’s
sudden drunken episode of visualizing me in a short skirt with nice big perky ears;
an odd and very unsexy effect of the alcohol.
“So, how do you answer it?”
Braithwaight asked, refocusing himself.
“ I usually give some form of
positive bullshit advice that they ignore, and then they continue doing exactly
what they’ve been doing for years,” I replied.
“You should just sway what you
twink then; who cares what they do?” Delphinia again slurred, though this time
with more drooling than spitting, which was fine with me since I now had my own
drink. Oddly enough, this had never occurred to me before, which just goes to
show that the advice of a really drunk person should not be discounted even
when slurred, spat, or dribbled. I took two large gulps of my drink, hoping to
gain some more of this wisdom; my entire mind seemed to open up and swallow
everything around me; my eyes fell out of my head, dropped off the table, and
rolled under my now very short skirt, and then I spat the remaining mouthful
onto my two companions, to which Braithwaight said ‘mmmm’ before promptly
ordering one for himself.
If it had seemed like a good idea
before, after two sips of Pan Universal Kumquat Juice, it became the most
brilliant idea since the first crossing of the universe in a giant Easter egg
with very slightly modified snowshoes and a six-pack of Grantham Planetary
Beers. Without putting anymore thought into it, or in fact having any more
thought left, I promptly replied to my lame ass Mom message “I would suggest
refraining from drinking every night until near unconsciousness, or adoption,
whichever ones easier. Signed, Phil. PS. There is no Lord—Surprise!”
Author Info
R.P. Momsen was lucky enough to meet Phil in a very lovely but rather smelly pub a few years ago. After listening to the most amazing story of his life, and a half dozen pints, Rick agreed to bring Phil’s story to the world and finally get Phil a vacation. Through an arduous process over the next couple years of intense notes, grand philosophical debates, lengthy trips through multiple universes and numerous beers this masterpiece of answers was named Phil and finally released. A great friendship has been created and Rick has agreed to continue to write the real truth about everything, why it’s kind of a good thing to know and what humankind could do to be invited to the really cool parties.
Author's Interview
Can you describe your book in one sentence?
Hillarious, fun adventure that challenges
everything we thought we knew about life and the universe.
Where do you
write from?
I live in Maui so I find a quiet beach is
the best place to write. I need somewhere tranquil and without distractions but
also an environment that's fluid so I'm not looking at the exact same thing
every day. Also, it's an awesome place to spend the day.
What led up to
this book? What inspired it?
Religion has always been such a divisive
issue that I wanted to write something that tried to answer the questions that
everyone has in a funny, lighthearted way that people, no matter of religious
background, would find refreshing.
What was the time
frame for writing this book? Tell us an interesting detail or two.
It took me about a year but it was in my
head for nearly 3 years before I began writing. When I was writing Phil I took
some of the style and mannerisms from Ricky Gervais and wrote it from a British
perspective which was where I was born. I like the dry, British humor.
Name a favorite
book and movie.
I love the Ricky Gervais stand up and the
original Office. When I was growing up I was a big fan of Douglas Adams The
Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy series.
Any future
projects?
I have another book in the Phil series
I'm working on and I have 2 books that are in the editing stages. I hate the
editing part but I'm getting through it.
What's your dream
in the closet?
I think I'm living it but if anything I
just want to find more time to write and travel. I think that's called
retirement.
Anything you would
like to say to your readers?
If you want a funny, lighthearted read
and want to know how everything ever came to be, read Phil. Or just go have a
beer, either way have fun. If you decide on the former please reach out to me
and tell me what you thought, I'd love to hear from you.
Brought to you by Worldwind VBT
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